Haisla's Adventures in Endoland

So we're in the midst of our very first IVF cycle. It is finally really happening.

This is going to be quite a boring post about jabs and dates and so on, just for posterity's sake really or for anyone interested in finding out what a real life IVF cycle looks like courtesy of NHS.

I've been on the blessed Buserelin injections for more than three weeks now (since CD 21 i.e. 27/03/15) and have experienced all the 'fun' side effects of the stuff, such as hot flashes, mood swings (ranging from anxiety to red-hot-rage to bouts of depression and back), lack of concentration, disturbed sleep and difficulties in remembering things.

My period was much lighter than usual, but has just gone on for ever and ever. I bled heavily for two days and have had light bleeding for the past 11. That has been incredibly annoying. I hate wearing pantyliners, but what can you do. I asked the nurse whether this is something to be concerned about but she didn't seem worried. Apparently it can be a side effect of Buserelin.

I will mention it again at our next scan on Tuesday if it hasn't eased off my then, as surely I'm supposed to start growing some plump womb-lining and bleeding is sort of counterproductive to that end.

Anyway, I digress. We had our first scan on Monday 13/04/15 to check that my ovaries and womb were all subdued and cyst-free, which was the case. We therefore got the go-ahead to start the Gonal-F injections too (300 IU / daily) and to reduce Buserelin from 0.5ml to 0.2ml / daily.

So I have Buserelin shots in the morning and Gonal-F in the evening. Always something to look forward to. ; )

Despite the Gonal-F needle being tiny, I still am not able to bring myself to self-inject. I guess I should pat myself on the back for actually managing these shots at all and not fret about overcoming my needle phobia. I never really thought it ran that deep, but it turns out to be a proper, real thing.

So we now have a little injection routine every morning and evening, where I sit on the bed, with M beside me, I grab the headboard with both hands, close my eyes, take three (or more) slow, deep breaths and then give M the go-ahead to do the shot. I swear I cannot manage the shots without this little regime. We've tried belly shots (doesn't that sound fun, like something you'd do in a bar!?), but I just go into hysterics, so we've dropped that act. All I can say is that if you hate needles and have to go through IVF, just find something that works for you. NHS recommends breathing relaxation exercises or the applied tension method. I find that the smaller doses of the meds (0.2 ml vs 0.5ml) has also made the injections easier, because what I've discovered I hate even more than a needle piercing my skin is the sensation of something seeping into my body. Yuck, and it's even worse if the stuff stings which is the case with Buserelin. And somehow ass shots are easier than thigh shots (IMO) although with Buserelin and Gonal F, butt is not an option.

However, before you freak out about all these injections, please know that I have a very low tolerance level for such things, which is why I go on and on about them. This is my way of purging it all and getting it all out of my system. I'm sure most other women going through IVF find the needles far less traumatic.

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Our next scan is on Tues 21/04/15 and we should then find out whether we're ready to pull the trigger on them eggs. So the earliest possible date for retrieval is Thurs 24/04/15 and the latest Mon 27/04/15. I've taken Tues and Weds off next week mainly because I don't fancy doing a long 11.5h shift when I am likely to be as bloated as a whale if our last IUI cycle is anything to go by..

Which handily takes me to my next subject of moan - the bloat. Am I the only one who ends up looking approx. 5 months pregnant on these meds? I am meant to be performing with our Community Choir on Sunday (this is a work thing) and my worry is that I'll get funny looks and inopportune questions from people as I'll be huge and on display on stage. Great. I tried to buy some bloat covering clothing today after work, but since I'm not normally seen in floaty dresses, I fear that my attempt to cover up might end up back-firing on me. My greatest fear is that people will just ask outright whether or not I'm pregnant. What am I to say to that? "Umm.. no, I'm just really full of eggs, thanks for asking.." M. told me to tell people that the bloat is constipation related should they be silly enough to ask. Apparently that should shut them up. Thank you, M, for your words of wisdom..

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In other news, I've also managed to secure myself a second stage interview for a boring but low-stress job. The bad news is that the interview will be taking place on Wednesday next week, which is also the day after our second scan and at a time when I am going to be just about fit to burst with eggs. I am basically going to be attending an interview looking like I am pregnant, whilst I'm actually not. I've eyed through my whole wardrobe and tried to decide whether attending an interview in yoga pants might be appropriate under any circumstances .. sadly I haven't yet found a shirt and yoga pants combo that wouldn't make me look like I'd snuck out of a mental hospital, but I'm just not sure that I'll be able to fit into any of my smarter trousers. Hmmmh..

I just don't understand how I always manage to get myself into these situations where I am job hunting or attending interviews in the middle of cycles (I think last time it was during or just before/after our second IUI..?) I am starting to see a pattern here. Do I somehow subconsciously crave additional and unnecessary stress? What is wrong with me!!??

The kick in the teeth is that if I do get offered this job I'll have to make a decision about whether to take up the offer before I actually know whether or not the cycle has been successful. However, with my 3 month notice period and lack of driving licence (which was stated as a desirable, not a must have for this job) I don't think I'll be their top candidate. So I'm sort of thinking, if I do get an offer it'll be borderline miraculous and at that point I'll have to seriously consider whether it might be a sign from the universe that it's time to move on.

Anyway, I'm not going to worry about that just yet. My priority right now is this IVF cycle. Everything else is secondary, the job interview included.

So far things are going good, though. I feel like I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Let's get this show on the road!!xx

The meds arrived yesterday.

And I am feeling decidedly unenthused.

It's weird. This is the thing that I've been waiting for the past, ummm, I don't know, year or so, and now that it's here I feel strangely calm and reluctant to hop back on the roller coaster of crazy.

I managed to whip myself into such a frenzy last year, desperate for things to happen, for this journey to move on, and in the past months I've kind of found a strange new sense of serenity (or maybe gotten used to the 'new normal' of being in an eternal limbo) and I am sort of a bit bereft that it's coming to an end soon as I know that whichever way this IVF cycle will go, there will be heightened emotions involved. I think I may have overdone it with heightened emotions last year and now I'm all emotioned-out.

Or maybe I am keeping myself safely numb in preparation for whatever is to come.

So the meds are here (partly strewn across the dinner table, partly piled away in the fridge), we had the nurse's appointment on Wednesday to confirm the programme and I will start jabbing myself with Suprecur on Friday. No nasal spray for me it turns out, but thankfully the needle is tiny, to the point where I may be able to overcome my needle phobia and do the jabbing myself. Counselling appointment is booked for 2nd April and first scan for 13th.

I think this might really be happening..

So we had our first IVF appointment today and since I confess to feeling somewhat overwhelmed by everything I've decided to put my thoughts on paper (I mean screen)..

First things first, the clinic is wonderful, the staff friendly, and I am so very happy with our choice. It's a world away from the bumblings of our previous (IUI) clinic.

However, something obviously had to go wrong (it's us we're talking after all) and it turned out that we not only had we not received our invite letter, we were also missing tons of consent forms that they should have sent to us in advance (we only received the invite letter via email yesterday after pestering the clinic with phone calls and emails). In their defence, they are an extremely popular clinic and therefore extremely busy. These things happen, and thankfully this problem was easily rectifiable.

The downside was that today during our appointment we were literally bombarded by different staff asking us to fill out, read and sign sheets and sheets of papers. For all I know I may have just donated all of my vital organs to science.

So that was one of the drawbacks; having to decide the fate of your future embryos in a busy corridor of an Assisted Conception Unit under some considerable time pressure. I think we decided to give them up for research (should there be any left once we're done with family building) which with hindsight feels perhaps a little callous. Apparently we have the right to change our minds yet. Maybe once the embryos turn from a mere fantasy into reality I may feel somewhat different and wish to hold on to them for more than 55 years (that was one of the options given on the numerous forms - perhaps with the advance of science I'll decide to try to get pregnant again when I'm 90).

Anyway, I digress.

The next item on my list of today's experiences may appear as far TMI for some, so please proceed with caution. I am only writing this for the benefit of those new to the IF world. These are the lengths to which we are willing to go to have a baby:

Today I had for the first time in my life the dubious pleasure of being ultrasound scanned on day 2 of my period, also known as 'the blood fest'. I genuinely thought that the mention of menstrual blood would deter them in their eagerness to scan me, but alas(!) it was not so. I have therefore now faced the ultimate dildocam shame and humiliation of having a man scan my uterus whilst it is merrily shedding itself away and onto his clean exam bed. Unnerving.  Oh, and it was my first encounter with real stirrups. I didn't quite know how to hoist myself onto them, but figured it out in the end. It felt like I'd finally graduated into the big girls' infertility clinic.

In positive news though, both my uterus and ovaries looked all fine and dandy.

Meeting with the doc was positive, too. She was lovely and interested and actually took the time to ask questions and listen. She noted down my endo diagnosis and our four failed IUI cycles and those seemed to give some extra credence to our case (i.e. nope we're not just making this up and nope 'just relaxing' at this stage won't make one bit of a difference - oh, the sweet vindication). She seemed a little concerned about M's sperm analysis, too, based on the notes from the previous clinic and as she wishes to take no chances with our chances (because she cares!) she is recommending ICSI. The last thing she would want, she explained, would be to find out that my eggs and M's sperm aren't getting jiggy with it on their own (I have heavily paraphrased here) hence the little extra helping hand from science.

Also, and this was a huge shock to me, there is a possibility of us transferring two embryos and not just one. I thought this was a complete no-no with the NHS unless one is over 40 and even then they would do it under duress. This clinic seems to have far laxer stance, and yet they boast fairly low levels of twin pregnancies. I think the fact that I am at the cusp of being 36 (gulp) makes two embryo transfer a possibility depending on how our embryos turn out overall.

I also asked about the risk of breast / ovarian cancer as a result of taking all the blessed hormones requires. She said research has shown that the hormones used are safe and should not heighten the risk of cancers generally. However, in those individuals who are genetically 'destined' to get cancer later on in life, the hormones may speed up the process. Am I destined to have cancer? I don't know. My mum had both breast cancer and ovarian cancer, but as far as I know she didn't carry the genetic marker. But I guess if I am genetically pre-disposed to getting cancer then a whole host of things may have an accelerative effect on the dormant cancer genes and at the end of the day, I can't live in a bottle. So for now I am deciding not to worry about that yet.

One last thing before I go to bed.

They are running a thyroid anti-body research at the clinic and asked whether I would like to potentially take part. As anyone who reads this blog regularly will know, I freaking love research, so I immediately said yes. If I am chosen for this research (this will only be the case if I turn out to have thyroid anti-bodies in my system) I'll write more about it later on.

For now all I can do again is wait until my next period, which should be in approx. 25 days' time. Then they will start me on a long protocol which will involve using nasal spray for some weeks from before day 21 of the cycle (spray rather than needles - yay!!!) and then later on a pen for stimming rather than those ghastly vials and needles (double yay!!). Anyway, by my calculations it'll be late March until anything really interesting will start happening, so I've got a bit more time to get my s**t together (meaning mainly my health back after this string of illnesses). But hey, at least we're on the road to somewhere!!

I realise that this blog has become a bit of a 'this is what happened whilst I was gone' journal..

In the past months I've just needed to step back from TTC and the lovely IF community whilst our waiting limbo has continued.

You may remember that in early December we were due to see our Fertility Doc at our local clinic to discuss next steps.

The good news is: IVF is our next step

The bad(ish) news: We cannot have IVF at the same clinic as the IUIs (they do not provide the service)

So in the past two months we have needed to have our application for IVF funding approved (check), choose a fertility clinic out of a choice of four (check - it was a tough choice, but we went for convenience of travel, shortest waiting list and reasonable stats re: outcomes), have our STI tests re-done (check - second time in two years - as if we'd had time to be have extra-marital affairs what with all this TTC nonsense), and get our referral successfully sent to the chosen clinic (check).

So far all the above has happened and actually taken place at quite an astonishing speed. For all my moaning and groaning about the inefficiencies and sluggishness of the NHS, I must say that I'm impressed.

We now have an appointment for our chosen clinic on Tues 09/02/2015 to discuss our IVF treatment. Considering that we had our last appointment at the previous clinic on 09/12/2014, I would call this a modern miracle.

Of course there have been some minor hitches to the ride: we didn't receive an invite letter for the appointment, just a text message reminding us of the appointment we weren't even aware of. Thank goodness for their automated text message service. I wouldn't have been best pleased if we'd missed the appointment because of their admin error. But all in all and compared to previous experiences this has been plain sailing.

So, what have I been doing in the meantime whilst waiting for all of this to happen? Well, I've mainly been sick (I had a vomiting bug just before Christmas, caught a cold during Christmas holidays, have had a couple of minor colds throughout January and now a real killer cold that started last weekend and floored me yesterday); we have also had (despite my diseases) copious amounts of amazing (non-TTC) sex (we made a pact that now that the big guns are almost out, we'll no longer torture ourselves with timed intercourse, but have a tumble when the feeling takes us) and on top of that I have waded my way though a pile of trashy romantic novels. So in one word I have distanced myself as far as possible from TTC. Which has meant that I have also read fewer blogs and done so less often and generally been a bad blogger and commenter. For this I apologise, but sincerely, I only did it to preserve my sanity.

So much sadness and joy is contained within the blogosphere (happily many of my favourite bloggers have gotten their long awaited BFPs, but so many also struggle with losses and failed cycles), that sometimes the breadth and depth of emotion just becomes overwhelming. So I step back and drown myself in fiction, because in trashy novels you always know you get your happy ending.

But hey, here I am dipping my toes back into the blogosphere again to see how it feels, and so far, it ain't too bad.

I am cautiously excited. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, since I know the NHS is a slow train and nothing will be happening in an instant.

What I do, however, expect is a discussion to plan our first IVF cycle and some sort of a timeline.

I think this is probably the closest we have  ever got to having a GPOP (a genuine prospect of pregnancy) since we started our TTC journey three years ago.

In December 2011 I ditched the birth control pill and was genuinely worried that we might get pregnant on our first go (since we were living in a dingy, draughty - but cheap - flat in South East London which was as unsuitable to child rearing as they come). Had I known that three years down the line we are still trying, I would have been horrified.

But so it is. You don't know what you're able to endure until you've been through it. And so we've endured. And in some ways we're in a better place in our marriage than we have been in ages. Somehow this awfulness has brought us closer together. We're a team. We're in this together. And that, surely is worth something in itself.

So happy 3rd TTC anniversary to us!! May this leg of the journey soon come to an end.x

Life has become so hectic in the run up to Christmas that it's a bit scary.

I am looking at my diary and between now and Christmas I've got exactly one full weekend off when I won't be working. Other than that there's always a Saturday or a Sunday when there's something work related going on - be it a Christmas Carol concert or a Fayre.

I sort of knew that this is the way it would be this year, but it's still a little scary. I've got a few annual leave days still to take this year (which I was saving for our blessed IVF), but which I just cannot for love nor money fit in before Christmas. My plan is to talk to my line manager and see whether they could be rolled over into next year. It's normally a little frowned upon, but I could really do with those days, since next year is likely the year when we'll finally embark on IVF. My line manager is normally a fairly understanding and reasonable man, so I hope he'll go with it.

Since things are so hectic work-wise I have started a regime of self care, which included a massage the weekend before last. It was a cheapo-cheapo last minute one and I wasn't thoroughly impressed with the quality. My masseuse was very pleasant, but kind of stingy with the massage oil (I nearly felt like reminding her to top it up half-way through but politeness got the better of me). She also seemed to have no problem with massaging my spine (which I thought is a big no-no?) and it left me feeling a bit bruised and battered afterwards. M. seemed happy enough with his massage but a little scared of his masseuse who had a tendency to bark orders at him. It did leave me wondering at the legitimacy of their qualifications. I think we've mutually decided not to return there for a follow-up.

Anyway, both M. and I agree that monthly massage is the way forward, we'll just have to choose our provider a bit more carefully. M. found a good deal for an introductory 1h massage in a place near to us. I think we'll sample that one next. It's just nice to be doing something that is good for us for a change and I'm so glad that M, too, is on-board.

The upside with this crazy pre-Christmas busy-ness is that I've hardly had time to fret our infertility and our next doctor's appointment is only a week and a bit away. It's kind of crept up on us. I really need to get my stress levels in check before next year though, as my understanding is that it takes three months for eggs to mature.. And at the moment mine are stewing in a nice cocktail of stress hormones. Not good.

I really don't know whether I'll get much blogging done before Christmas. Things are pretty uneventful on the TTC front, but I'll try to ping something out after our IVF(?) appointment. It's just hard to fit anything extra in when all I want to do when I get home is collapse in front of the TV on our sofa and fall asleep. Again, not good.

I still read all the lovely blogs on my reading list and can only apologise if my commenting is a little erratic. I will cheer you on from the foggy haze that constitutes my consciousness these days.

I am officially married to a genius.

After battling with blogger all morning, my darling M has resolved all of my commenting issues (hopefully) for good.

We have now installed Disqus commenting system, which will not only allow people to leave comments using different browsers (people at blogger HQ, please take note), but also for me to manage my comments and reply directly to individual commenters!! It feels like I have just moved onto the 21st Century.

We are still trying to beta test the system to ensure that it really does work in as many different browsers as possible. You can leave comments anonymously by choosing "I'd rather post as a guest"- you'll just be asked to choose any name and include an email address which will not displayed.

We've tried to make commenting as pain-free as possible and really, truly hope it'll work.

Again I would like to apologise to anyone who tried to comment and got their comments eaten by blogger; I know how frustrating it is.

If you do encounter any problems with commenting on my blog in the future, please send me an email at: adventuresinendoland@gmail.com. I will try to check my emails there fairly frequently.