Haisla's Adventures in Endoland

Not as in literally strikes, but..

Anyway, let me reverse a little, since I haven't updated in a bit. My period arrived without fanfare on the very last day of the conference. If anyone was looking for silver linings, I guess it would be that I didn't have to suffer from my periods during the conference and my periods were the lightest and more pain free than they've ever been since I ditched the pill. So bring on Clomid, I say!! I'd read some horror stories of super heavy and extra painful periods post clomid, so was pleasantly surprised. Then of course had to google 'light, painless periods after clomid' to death, as was starting to convince myself that perhaps it wasn't a period at all, but some kind of a crazy break-through bleed. Well, it turns out that period after clomid can go either way; super heavy or super light (or just regular good old fashioned blood fest as ever). That too isn't indicative of anything at all, just the way it goes with medicine. So sorry, if anyone wandered here after googling 'light, painless period after clomid' in the vain hope of finding a surprise preganacy story - I hate to disappoint. But as far as Clomid goes, bring it on! I could get used to light and pain free periods.

So great was my disappointment with NHS today when I finally (after five phone calls and two voicemail messages over the period of a week) received a call from Nelly the Nurse at the subfertility clinic to say that, yes, my meds are ready for the next IUI cycle, but that they won't be doing any scans between 7th and 21st April. "Um, say what now?"  I was so shocked I didn't even have the wherewithal to ask any questions about whether I could have my scans done somewhere else, since the next cycle squarely falls within that time period. All nurse Nelly said to cheerfully end the call was to call her when I get my period next.

I cried today when I got home. I think it was the combination of the disappointment of our first failed IUI cycle (which took me nearly a week to really face) and now the news that our month's wait for the next cycle is likely to turn into two. I could have lived with a month's wait, I'd armed myself with distractions and ways to cope, but being faced with an additional month has just thrown me. Today, whilst I was on my way home from work it dawn on me that 'normal' people are able to plan when to have their children. I can't even plan for when we'll have the chance to try again (I mean properly try with medical interventions, of course we can do, and will do, as much pointless BD'ing as we can possibly muster the energy for, I know, I know I'm being a total pessimist and sex is more than just about procreation, but..). I have just so little control in all of this. And for someone who is as much of a control freak as I am, this is H-A-R-D. As much as I love the NHS I can't help but wish at times that money was not an issue and that we could be proper paying customers and have some choice over the way our treatments are dished out, or not. But no, paupers as we are, we shall wait and wait a little more, whilst I hit the magical 35 year mark and my ovaries will start shrivelling up. My birthday is next week. Anyone care to join me celebrating this milestone? No, didn't think so. Pity party for one it'll be then.

Apologies for anyone reading this for the totally negative tone of this post. I just needed to get it out of my system. I promise I'll buckle up soon and be back in fighting mode, kicking the butt of infertility.  But for now, I'm off to bed.