Haisla's Adventures in Endoland

N.B. I wrote this post on Thursday, just didn't have the energy to proof read it and post it until now..

First of all I wanted to thank yous all for your kind and encouraging comments on my last post. It is so heartening to know that there are people out there rooting for me through thick and thin. Your support means the world to me. 

It's 13DPIUI and the day that my period would normally arrive (with my 26 day cycles). The good news is that the progesterone has kept the usual spotting at bay. The bad news is that I POAS this morning and got nothing, not even a squinter. The test said it would be 99% accurate on the day of your period, so I suppose I still have a 1% chance of being pregnant HA HA..

I'm sorry, I don't mean this post to be overtly negative, but you know how it is.. It's hard to find much happiness in a BFN. Shockingly I am not too down or disappointed, just more like.. meh, it's not like this hasn't happened before. I'm sure the tears will come yet, but for now I'm pretty zen about it.

The truth of the matter is that I don't feel the least bit pregnant. And for me it's quite unusual to be with zero symptoms during the TWW.

But the problem is that this cycle basically leaves me with more questions than answers:

1. Did I ovulate at all or were all of my three follicles duds?

2. If I did ovulate, did anything fertilise?

3. If anything fertilised did it attempt to implant - did it succeed?

4. If the serious twinges I was feeling at 10 DPIUI were indeed due to implantation did my uterus somehow reject the embryo and were the excruciating cramps involved? Is it endometriosis? Is it immunology issues? Is it the juno particle? Were the stars not aligned and mercury not rising?

See, this is why IUI cycles suck.

So little information can be gleaned, so little can be learnt.

And it frustrates me because I want some answers!!! I want to know and understand so that I can fix and repair. And I know that shouldn't be my job, but since my doctors seem so uninterested in actually finding out what is wrong, I feel like I'm left to do the detective work myself.. Or perhaps it's too early for that. Perhaps I am meant to be waiting till my IVF cycle until we get some answers and for now just allow the doctors to continue shooting in the dark through our final injectible IUI cycle next month..

Post script:
Today I just feel sad. I've POAS'd and had two BFN's in two successive days (one of them even spelling it out 'not pregnant' in case I hadn't gotten the hint). So I stopped progesterone yesterday and have started spotting today. The reason I am sad, is that in my mind this month was our best chance so far of getting pregnant (the stars aligning and all), but it didn't work out. So I'll mourn a little and then I'll move on. I think in some ways the NHS-mandated one month break may be good for me - it gives my heart some time to mend in-between the cycles..