Tumbling Through the Rabbit Hole...
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Reaching my target weight

Posted by Haisla Monday, 12 August 2013 0 comments

Unbelievably it looks like I've finally reached my target weight and my BMI is roughly at 20. I am so impatient that I didn't actually believe in the beginning of the summer that I would one day get here. And I'm not feeling too heavy or bloated. I have definitely had to eat more than has been comfortable at times and I can't wait to return back to my normal natural eating habits and look forward to not having to stuff myself at every turn.. or lift weights!! Yes, the things you do for a baby.

So tomorrow morning I will ring up the subfertility office and place myself in the queue for a laparoscopy! Woohoo!!! Never would I have thought to be so glad to go under the knife (or whatever they use in key-hole surgery). Now I just have to maintain this golden weight so as not be turned away at the operating room doors. The Dr I saw in June reckoned the waiting list would be roughly a month. I am wondering whethert she may have been a little optimistic..? I could do with a couple of weeks at least to prepare work for my absence (which I believe can range from a couple of days to two weeks?), but am hoping it won't be too long, since my periods have been getting more painful each month since I gave up the BCP 18 months ago. I'm hoping that what they'll find is endo, at least for the sake of this blog title, otherwise whoops..

A funny aside to do with work - I work in the homelessness field and was talking to one of our long term clients at the door today, who was quite well and truly intoxicated. All of a sudden and quite out of the blue he said: "You want me to tell you something", (with his thick Northern Irish accent) to which I said something like "Sure". "You shouldn't be here, luv, you don't belong here. You should get out of here and have a babies".. I kid you not. What do you say to that? I don't think he meant anything nasty by it, but I did have to bite my tongue. Is it starting to show now, my desperation for a baby, (I surely don't talk about it at work!) or was he some kind of a psychic or a messenger, telling me that it's time to move on?

Anyway, I wrapped up that conversation pretty swiftly. The funniest thing is, just before he'd arrived at the door I had been doing something pretty menial and been deep in thought thinking about my job role and how very unsuitable it would be for me should  I get pregnant and also how our small staff team might not actually cope very well with preganancy related absences and the 'incapacity' that follows as months progress and a belly grows.

Since I believe in a Meaningful Universe and somekind of a Higher Power, I am going to take it as a sign to at least start thinking about new career opportunities. The timing is way off and there are many things that still make my job very enjoyable / appealing, but I do definitely feel like I've ran my course. When you're meant to care for people and start feeling that niggling jadedness, it is time to start thinking of moving on, for you and for the sake of those you are caring for. Let's just hope that it'll all work out or that I'll at least get a second wind or something.

Well, that's enough of rambling from me for now. I am feeling quite excited, which is nice, as I was getting quite despondent this morning, but things seem to be moving forward (she says hopefully).

Anyway, good night for now, my imaginary readers.. : )

Through the rabbit hole

Posted by Haisla Saturday, 3 August 2013 0 comments

I have been stalking so many infertility blogs for so many months that I guess it's time to come out of hiding and declare myself infertile. I'm not entirely sure how I ended up here, it does truly feel like I stumbled through the rabbit hole and it's taken a while to re-orient myself. I guess no-one sets out to be infertile, and I too started off on the TTC adventure with high hopes and even higher expectations. Give us a couple of months and we'd be pregnant. Couple of months turned into a year, a year into eighteen months and the pleasurable baby-making sessions into a bit of a chore.

In came the OPKs, BBT thermometers, charting apps and other paraphernalia that would have been so foreign to me in my previous life as a fertile. Then I found the infertility blogging community and finally felt like I wasn't so alone in this strange and mind-boggling land.

I really came to admire the tenacity of the women I encountered  on the infertility blogs and felt uplifted (and at times really really saddened) by their experiences. What has been most amazing is the solidarity and support within this hidden world and I guess that's what I am trying to tap into, to find some guides on this journey and perhaps act as a guide for others. We're not alone, and all the feelings of frustration, sadness, depression, anger, rage, acceptance, denial, hope etc. etc. that come with infertility are shared by so many others.

I've learnt so much about IUIs, IVFs, meds, protocols through these blogs that I feel like we should all immediately be awarded with some kind of honorary medical degrees as compensation for all our troubles.

So here I am declaring myself to be one of you, an infertile. And I declare this blog to be mine to rant, rave, vent and use as necessary until I can find my way home from the endoland, hopefully with a take home baby.