Tumbling Through the Rabbit Hole...
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Uh-ummm it's been a while..

Posted by Haisla Saturday, 22 February 2014

So I almost decided upon abandoning this blog last year (and sort of did) but have come to have second thoughts. I've been worrying about all sorts of things from 'can I keep this up, and if I can't will that make me a terrible failure' to 'what if I get pregnant next month and will then feel like the village idiot' to 'what if I do make bloggy friends but then end up being a bad bloggy friend' (remembering all the primary school pen pals I had from abroad; relationships which soon enough fizzled out due to my lack of commitment and enthusiasm to keep them going).

But despite these fears I have decided to continue blogging anyway. First of all, I am still not pregnant, after more than two years of trying and have now embarked on our first IUI. This IUI has sort of made me feel like I have finally graduated into the 'real infertiles' club (I know it doesn't exist apart from in my head) and given me a bit of kudos (not to mention things to write about), whilst last year I was just a hanger-on trying to get fatter and finally fit in with some sort of a diagnosis. Well, here I am, another girl with endo (although categorised by our RE as 'unexplained') and turns out that I am well and truly infertile or subfertile, belonging to the unlucky 5% that can't manage to get knocked up within two years of trying with traditional methods.

Secondly, I will also oust myself as a potentially bad blogger, who will potentially let her potential readers down, start following blogs and then potentially find it too laborious to continue etc. And you know what, I'm ok with that. I will continue this for as long as it serves a purpose and for as long as it feels right. And I won't beat myself up for being a bad blogger, because this blog really has one purpose and one purpose alone, which is to keep me sane whilst we go through these processes that are needed to either get us pregnant or out of the land of trying. If I meet lovely people on the way, great, I acknowledge that some friendships are fleeting, and failing to keep in touch for the rest of my life doesn't diminish the value of the support given and received. I will continue this for now, and that is all I can promise.

I have also finally reached that stage, where I have had to stare infertility in the face and admit that there may come a day when I will no longer be able to keep going. I am hoping that that day will come later rather than sooner and that I can somehow get through at least these blessed IUIs and cycles of IVF (that we have so generously been promised by the good people of NHS - I know how lucky we are in having won this post code lottery) before I pop the cap open of some BCPs and start looking for adoption agencies. Obviously I am hoping even more fervently that we don't have to go through all those cycles at all, but that I may miraculously be nestling an embryo in my uterus as we speak. And of course I may still change my mind should we go through all the free fertility treatments that NHS has to offer and still not be pregnant, and decide to go ahead and throw all of our life savings at a private fertility clinic with the bestest and cleaverest REs in the land in one last ditch attempt before calling it a day. As so many infertile bloggers have asked before me: "when is enough enough?"

To be honest, this first IUI has been pretty easy on both of us. It is like 'the IVF on stabilisers', I guess. The hardest part was trying to arrange time off work and explain to everybody why the appointments were so randomly placed and taking place with so little notice. I think for now everybody who needs to know knows and the rest think that I just have a lot of 'meetings' to go to.

I am trying to brace myself for a BFN (keeping in mind that stats relating to successful IUI outcomes on mild endo patients vary from 5-11% per cycle depending on which research you read) whilst holding on to just that little bit of hope. I'm a bit bummed that I haven't really gotten any side effects from the HcG shot, which I was sort of looking for. Feeling for the first time just a teeny little bit pregnant would have been nice, even if it would have been all chemical based. After all (without sounding too down-beat), it may be the nearest I'll ever get to feeling pregnant (yes, yes, I know I should be thinking happy thoughts and giving my uterus positive vibes, but quite frankly after two years of positive thinking and hopeful vibes month after month, I'm a little low on the happiness reserves right now - I'll smile when I'm pregnant, how's that?).

So that's that. I'll try to be a bit more regular a blogger and may even dip my toe into commenting on other people's blogs (instead of just lurking). My only problem is that most of the blogs I have been following are pretty old (I tend to find interesting blogs and read them like a book from the beginning - I'm telling you some of the best and most gripping stories I have ever read) and the bloggers have either found that they no longer have the time or need to blog (which I totally understand and respect, see paragraphs above) or their blogs are now about parenting or adoption or living child-free. I don't mind following bloggers who have moved on, but where do I find those bloggers who are still in the trenches, who I could relate to and cheer on? I suppose I better go a-hunting..


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