Tumbling Through the Rabbit Hole...
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I'm still here..

Posted by Haisla Thursday, 1 October 2015

For some reason it's been really quite hard to find things to say in here lately..

Perhaps it's because I've actually been out there in the real world enjoying life. Which has been kind of different and nice and necessary after the past three and a half years. It's been exhilarating not to fret, or obsess, or spend every living, breathing moment thinking about infertility. It can kind of suck life right out of you.

The awful thing about infertility is that as soon as I've gotten myself back together after a setback (say a failed cycle, a miscarriage or whatever) and found my equilibrium, it's been time to face the music again. And whilst in the past I've been ready and rearing (almost desperate) to go after each failure, after the miscarriage things have changed. I'm far less eager to put myself back in the game. And yet I know that there's no time to waste. I can't stop this train now. Or if I did, I mightn't ever get back on it again, I'd lose my nerve. You just got to keep going.

Whilst I've often likened infertility to a roller coaster ride, these days it actually feels more like a brutal boxing match. You get in the ring, give it a shot, get knocked down, get back on your feet again, are just about to get back in the swing of things only to just get knocked back down again.. And every time you fall it seems to hurt that little bit more than it did before. I guess the aim should really be to beat the sh*t out of your opponent (i.e. infertility) but sometimes it just feels like they are way bigger and stronger and better at beating things into pulp than you are. And there only seem to be two ways that this game can go. Either I win by finding the one weak spot in infertility's armour (my silver bullet, to mix some metaphors here), or I get knocked back down enough times to decide that I haven't got it in me to get back on my feet again.. (I know, ever the optimist, I am).

But, for now, I'm back up on my feet. I've got my dainty boxing gloves all laced up again and my shiny satin shorts on.

What's helped me to get here, is that:

a) We've had a lovely holiday to France thanks to our friends who invited us to stay at their place near the sea:

Amazeballs, people. If I could, I would uproot in an instant and go live there. But alas, I don't speak French and there are hardly any jobs there, in the winter, so there's that. But anyway, a holiday was exactly what the doctor ordered and we both feel tons better for it. Thank you V&B!!

b) As well as holidaying, we've done a major clear out in our flat and got rid of a lot of junk (mainly 'faux-antique' furniture which we no longer use, but which we have been holding onto out of sheer stubbornness sentimentality). It was cluttering the 'baby room', which is now almost spacious enough to house a baby, should we be lucky enough to have one, one day.

c) We have also expanded our little family by adopting (and when I say adopting I, of course, mean purchasing from an aquatics shop) two lovely, little non-furbabies. Meet Bubbles & Stretch:

It's hard to tell which is which, I can only tell them apart by their tails..

They are darn cute. They've already learnt how to beg for food with their tiny, big round eyes and by flailing their paws excitedly whenever they see us. I'm learning to recognise my tendencies to be an indulgent and easily swayed parent.. Must do better and not succumb to their cuteness.

We've been desperate for pets for ages, but aren't allowed cats, dogs or any other creatures that might 'damage' the property that we rent. Hence the turtles. They are adorable and tiny and aquarium dwelling, which is perfect. They also come with a high risk of carrying salmonella, which is um.. awkward considering that we're hoping to get pregnant, soon. And if you believe anything written in the interweb about turtles, salmonella is like the WORST THING that you could possibly contract when pregnant. So instead of getting rid of the turtles, like, immediately, as the assvice on most online forums goes, we've opted for the slightly more measured approach (followed by people who actually own turtles), i.e. adopting a hand-washing regime that we follow after handling the turtles or their dwelling. And we'll be mindful of the risk should I get pregnant and should our home one day be inhabited by a small child. No kissing of turtles for our kids..

So for now, I am happy..

..which is nothing short of miraculous considering that I've been sniffing Buserelin for the past two weeks. Truth be told, this time around, hormonally, I have been far worsely (what do you mean that's not a word?!) affected, than I was when we were doing the Buserelin injections. Or maybe now that my work is not a crazy, stressful nightmare I've had more time to be aware of how the hormones are affecting me.. Or maybe I've just got incredibly short memory and it was just as bad last time. Hot flashes, immeasurable sadness, unaccountable rages. You name it, I've felt it. Thankfully, somehow, I've managed to remember that it's just the hormones, stupid. And M's done incredibly well to survive the madness.

So I've done two weeks of Buserelin sniffing (four times a day, no less) and yesterday was officially day #1 of our first FET cycle, when my period finally started four days late. I reduced Buserelin sniffing to mornings and evenings only and started taking 3 Progynova pills in the evenings. This is sooo much easier than IVF. I don't much care for the after-taste of the nasal spray, but I'll take it any day if it spares me from needles.

I'm having a scan on 15th October and hopefully, all being well, our transfer will take place a few days after that.

I can't believe this is happening again. Someone get my mouthguard already.


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