Tumbling Through the Rabbit Hole...
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Feeling deflated

Posted by Haisla Sunday, 8 June 2014

I'm having to admit it, I am feeling deflated.

I was hoping to put it down to yesterday's bad weather, but today is sunny and I am still feeling the same.

I know it is probably partly progesterone related (I ovulated sometime around Weds or Thurs) and am now in the terribly depressing TWW territory again. I'm a bit concerned that I seem to be getting these depressive hormonal fluctuations more frequently now. It used to be just after my period (my post-period blues, that I could recognise and rationalise away) but now it also appears to happen post-ovulation.

I suppose it could also be the accumulated mileage of our fertility journey and the mounting disappointments. Or alternatively I take a really long time to process treatment related failures (i.e. our last IUI) and am just now mourning that, too. I don't know. I've always been a bit of an emotion burier and only years in therapy taught me how to dig around in my emotional quagmire to find the root causes for feeling blah at any one time.

So I think as a result of writing this post I've found it, the root cause for this bout of blah and it is the last failed IUI cycle, indeed. Thanks for dropping by sadness, it's nice to see you made it to the party after all..

But no, I should try to be a bit more compassionate with myself. It sucks. And yes, it was only our 2nd IUI and, yes I had very low expectations for it to actually work, but it sucks all the same. And I've got the right to feel angry and sad and deflated about it.

I think what really doesn't help is that I get extremely short and light periods with Clomid. Which lengthens the period of the lingering (almost psychotic) hopefulness that perhaps I may be one of those women who have light periods and then magically turn out to be pregnant after all. Well, I'm not. I ovulated last week, which I think finally nailed the coffin shut and proved to the eternally hopeful part of my brain that yes, the last cycle WAS A BUST. So now I can mourn and finally let it go. What a mind-f*ck, though, truly.

I'm sorry to be so angry and negative and deflated, but I promise you, this is actually helping.

I may now finally be able to get off my a*se and go and do something useful, like yoga or enjoy the sunshine or something. Thank you for anyone who is reading this for sticking with me on this messy journey. Hopefully I will be off to a sunnier disposition from here on end. Upwards and onwards as they say..


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