Haisla's Adventures in Endoland

I am exhausted by infertility.

I just had a text from a friend whom I haven't been in contact with in years (a childhood friend, whom I still count as part of my 'inner circle', even though we are equally bad at keeping in touch) letting me know that she is pregnant.

That in and of itself is all fine and dandy - yes it smarts a bit at first, but at the same time I am so pleased that she doesn't have to go through this shit that I am going through. But she would like to talk.. and that unfortunately I cannot do. I can send her my most excited and heartfelt congratulations by text, but to have to have a conversation where I'll recount my infertility journey blow by blow and she'll do the same with her pregnancy experiences will just be too much. I hope she'll understand.. and I hope she's happy and in a place where she feels ready to be a mummy (she's always been a bit of a wild child)..

I've also tied myself up in nots with all the immunology stuff.

I've read Alan E. Beer's book and I think I get the main premise - because I'm diagnosed with endometriosis there is a high likelihood that there is something wrong with my immune system. Certain natural killer cells may not be doing their job properly in sweeping up the endometrial cells that end up in my pelvic cavity as a result of 'retrograde menstruation' (which may have resulted in me developing endometriosis). Also as a result of the endo I may have excessively aggressive natural killer cells that attack implanting embryos. There may also be a host of other stuff wrong with me or nothing at all. That much I know.

However, most people who go for private immunology testing have been through a number of pregnancy losses or failed IVF cycles.

We haven't had any pregnancy losses (due to not having had any pregnancies for that matter) and we can't really afford to fail an IVF cycle.

We are offered two cycles of IVF by the NHS; one fresh and one frozen. We could probably afford one more private IVF cycle, but not the immunology testing and treatment that at that point would probably be useful if not necessary. So the logic goes that we'll try to get these immunology tests done prior to moving on to IVF. I've had this discussion with M and we've agreed to this plan in principle.

The thing is that immunology testing is shockingly expensive. The top clinic in London charges approx. £4,000 just for the testing (yep, you read that right, they do offer the most comprehensive set of tests, but still) and then there's the treatments, which are between £1,400 - £1,650 per IV-drip bag of IVIg (depending on the size of the dose) and £275 for intralipids .. It is a heck of a lot of money. Almost as much as we would spend on a private IVF cycle.. And if immunology is the issue, who knows how many rounds of treatment I would need (sometimes they are prescribed for a period of a months before the IVF cycle if the diagnosis is particularly bad). Oh, and then there's the £200 charge per consultation, not to mention other meds they could prescribe, like corticosteroids, Clexane, Humira, LIT, etc (depending on your diagnosis). The costs could really quite easily spiral out of control. Just thinking about this all makes me feel sick. Who's got this kind of money squirrelled away?!

There are slightly cheaper clinics out there (like one or two in London) but in my understanding many of them won't be willing to offer immunology testing let alone treatment unless they are also dishing out the IVF cycle themselves.

It just feels so messed up that most people can get pregnant just like that without really trying, and here we are considering spending majority of our mortgage deposit savings just to try to a) find out what is wrong with us and b) finally get knocked up. I feel angry and bitter and like it's just. not. fair! Trying to make these decision when the stakes are so high. This is our one little chance of having our own biological children. And we want to make the smartest possible decisions and spend our money wisely but the truth is that we are driven by fear. The possibility of this failing is terrifying. It's like staring into an abyss..

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In other TTC related news, AF arrived on Wednesday, I started on Menopur again on Thursday morning and our fourth and final IUI should take place sometime next week (unless of course my follicles mature and pop over the following weekend which would make this cycle a bust). We shall see. I'm not holding much hope after the failure of our last 'perfect' injectable IUI cycle. I have to say though, that the injections are much easier to deal with when dished out in the mornings. I'm far too dozy to feel anxious about them. So far so good. One injection down, only four more to go! I will survive and with minimal moaning, too, I hope.