Tumbling Through the Rabbit Hole...
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On why one cannot 'plan' an IVF-cycle

Posted by Haisla Wednesday, 22 April 2015

So it's been interesting..

The nature of my job dictates that I have had to disclose to (some of) my regular clients (whom I am caseworking at the moment) that I will be going through a medical procedure in the very near future and will be taking some time off for that. Trying to dodge questions would have been even more difficult than being semi-transparent, but it turns out that with IVF even semi-transparency can get ever so complicated.

Somehow (probably due to my response to past IUI cycles - what folly!) I was under the impression that by day 9 (of stimulation) scan I would pretty much be guaranteed to be bloated to the hilt and almost ready for retrieval and therefore told clients (and colleagues alike) that I would possibly, probably have to take the rest of this week and some of next week off.

Well nothing could be further from the truth. On Tuesday at our day 9 scan, we found out that my eggs are nowhere near ready for collection. I think there were a few 'larger' follies at 8mm but majority were still tiny-weenie. If this was some kind of a race, we would've hardly left the start line. But hey, since this is Endoland, it figures. My eggies are probably racing backwards or something.

I am trying not to panic about the implications (although couldn't help googling 'slow response' to Gonal-F), as the nurse told us that at this point almost anything is considered normal.. My eggs are not only racing backwards, they are probably also lazy.

So we've been instructed to carry on with the Buserelin and Gonal-F shots, have another scan on Friday and then see where we're at. The nurse was almost certain that nothing of interest will be happening until late next week. So I'll now have to go back to work tomorrow and reschedule everything again with my clients. Grrreeaattt. And we're talking about highly vulnerable and often quite inflexible individuals who have a hard time understanding that I may have life outside of work.. This is going to go down like a lead balloon.

Well at least I now know the reason why I haven't been bloated like a whale yet and have only experienced minimal discomfort so far - I have hardly anything going on in my ovaries!! I can still fit in my normal work trousers etc. So my worries about the choir thing and the interview today were completely unfounded, which is great in someways, but means that I'll have to experience more awkwardness at work, trying to shuffle my regular clients, scoot off to more scans in the middle of work day and explain away the uncertainty about not knowing when I'll actually be taking time off for this 'procedure'.

I am planning to take at least two days off for retrieval (retrieval day and the one after) and then at least one or two days off for transfer. I really, really wanted it all to be done and dusted by late next week and early the following week, but it looks like we are pushed way back now. Unless my ovaries decide to have a crazy growth spurt and get to the finish line in record time.

I think basically what I hate is how out of control I feel with this IVF cycle. I cannot organise my timetable, as I don't know what's happening and when. So much is unknowable and I cannot make my eggs grow faster, just by trying harder. Normally I can achieve things and make thing work out if I just work hard enough. This whole experience is almost like the total opposite. I just need to let go and allow my body to do the thing it needs to do, preferably with minimal interference from me. I am so, so outside of my comfort zone.

I am, however, glad I took a few days off this week (these were meant to be the 'bloat days'). I got to hang out with M after our scan on Tuesday and sit by the river in the sun. It was gorgeous and I feel far more relaxed for it.

And today I had my second interview. It went well. I looked presentable and non-pregnant. I was able to answer all the questions and come across as competent and effective (which I am, I promise). They tried to ring me twice this evening after the interview, but as they'd said they'd contact us tomorrow with the news, I wasn't paying attention to my phone. So I'll need to ring back tomorrow morning.

I have decided to be forthright about our IVF and my possible need for time off if I get offered the job (and if this cycle is a bust). It might be a bit of a career-suicide step, but I'm just so sick of hiding this and fretting about it, that I'd rather bring it up now than later. If they then decide that they don't want an infertile / possibly soon pregnant lady working for them, then too bad for them. I can still carry on in my current job and be £12,000 / year better off (albeit continually stressed out). M. and I even wrote a little spiel for me to quote should I get offered the job tomorrow and it's more about negotiating time off with short notice (poss. during probation period) than me asking their permission to engage in IVF treatments. Obviously they may come up with some excuse to withdraw the offer, but if that's the case I don't think it'll be the kind of organisation I'd want to work for anyway. Obviously if they don't offer me the job, this is all moot, but I'd rather be prepared and have the peace of mind that I am entering this situation with honesty and integrity.

So that's that. Everything (possibly) is happening at once. Things would be far simpler if I didn't get that job.. Although on the other hand, I really would like it. I'm trying to see this as a win-win again, whichever way the cookie crumbles. And crumble it will. Tomorrow.


Jessica Howard said...

Did they suggest your increase the dosage of gonal-f or just stay the course?

Ostrich said...

Agh! I don't know how I missed your posts about starting your IVF cycle. Congratulations (which seems like a weird thing to say, but it does feel a bit like progress, doesn't it?)

If IF taught me anything it is that our bodies are all different. Each person responds differently to protocols, and it is hard not to compare where we think we "should" be to where we are. At times like this, it helped me to think of what I would say to a friend who was going through this, and then repeat it to myself. It almost forces you to be kind to yourself.

Haisla said...

We've stayed on the same dosage and my eggies have finally woken up and are finally racing ahead. Final scan tomorrow and hopefully retrieval on Tuesday morning!xx

Haisla said...

It is really tough, I'm even comparing myself to my IUI cycles and feel like I'm falling short. Kindness is a good plan. I think the thought of a failed cycle, is what's really scaring me.

However, I just think that my body might be responding a bit too effectively to the suppressing qualities of the Buserelin. I forgot to factor that into the equation when I was drawing up my 'timelines'. : ) xx

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