.. and they look something like this:
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| Taken on Sat 11dp5dt |
Yep.. it's a bit of a squinter, but undeniably there (it's much more obvious in real life than in the photo). So my first response was utter joy - my first ever positive pregnancy test, ever!!! I showed it to M, who was over the moon.
The lightness of the second line left me feeling a bit concerned though, considering how long it's been since the transfer. It was one of those crappy freebie pee sticks that clinic provides, though, so I am partially putting it down to that. Needless to say, I spent a large amount of time yesterday visiting all sorts of shady corners of the Internet that no-one in their right mind after a faint 'BFP' should visit.. The only result was that I convinced myself that it was probably some kind of a chemical pregnancy or at least unviable in some shape or form.
I did feel a bit better when I peed on a stick again this morning and got this:
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| Sunday 12dp5dt |
...which seems a bit more unequivocal in its pronouncement and set my mind at greater ease.
Of course I'm terribly aware that we're not out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination yet (well, by about eight and a bit months really). It still feels incredibly unreal that somehow I have managed to get pregnant.
However far this pregnancy will progress (till birth is what I hope), I will always be grateful that we managed to get pregnant at all!! That is not something to be taken for granted. After three and a half years of 'nada' I was kind of starting to wonder. Whichever way this will pan out, I now have some hope that I am not dreaming of completely impossible things.
It's a weird place to be. I am absolutely ecstatic and yet at the same time almost paralysed by fear. I now understand what people mean when they say that a positive pregnancy test is just the start of the hurdles race that makes up a full-term pregnancy. I dare not dream yet. I dare not imagine the baby or look up the due date or do any of the other stuff that blissfully ignorant 'normal' people might do.
I am trying my hardest to be happy and grateful for what I have today. I can't by worrying change the outcome of this pregnancy. It will be what it'll be. But today I can choose to be happy.
