Tumbling Through the Rabbit Hole...
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Not even a squinter

Posted by Haisla Sunday, 7 September 2014

N.B. I wrote this post on Thursday, just didn't have the energy to proof read it and post it until now..

First of all I wanted to thank yous all for your kind and encouraging comments on my last post. It is so heartening to know that there are people out there rooting for me through thick and thin. Your support means the world to me. 

It's 13DPIUI and the day that my period would normally arrive (with my 26 day cycles). The good news is that the progesterone has kept the usual spotting at bay. The bad news is that I POAS this morning and got nothing, not even a squinter. The test said it would be 99% accurate on the day of your period, so I suppose I still have a 1% chance of being pregnant HA HA..

I'm sorry, I don't mean this post to be overtly negative, but you know how it is.. It's hard to find much happiness in a BFN. Shockingly I am not too down or disappointed, just more like.. meh, it's not like this hasn't happened before. I'm sure the tears will come yet, but for now I'm pretty zen about it.

The truth of the matter is that I don't feel the least bit pregnant. And for me it's quite unusual to be with zero symptoms during the TWW.

But the problem is that this cycle basically leaves me with more questions than answers:

1. Did I ovulate at all or were all of my three follicles duds?

2. If I did ovulate, did anything fertilise?

3. If anything fertilised did it attempt to implant - did it succeed?

4. If the serious twinges I was feeling at 10 DPIUI were indeed due to implantation did my uterus somehow reject the embryo and were the excruciating cramps involved? Is it endometriosis? Is it immunology issues? Is it the juno particle? Were the stars not aligned and mercury not rising?

See, this is why IUI cycles suck.

So little information can be gleaned, so little can be learnt.

And it frustrates me because I want some answers!!! I want to know and understand so that I can fix and repair. And I know that shouldn't be my job, but since my doctors seem so uninterested in actually finding out what is wrong, I feel like I'm left to do the detective work myself.. Or perhaps it's too early for that. Perhaps I am meant to be waiting till my IVF cycle until we get some answers and for now just allow the doctors to continue shooting in the dark through our final injectible IUI cycle next month..

Post script:
Today I just feel sad. I've POAS'd and had two BFN's in two successive days (one of them even spelling it out 'not pregnant' in case I hadn't gotten the hint). So I stopped progesterone yesterday and have started spotting today. The reason I am sad, is that in my mind this month was our best chance so far of getting pregnant (the stars aligning and all), but it didn't work out. So I'll mourn a little and then I'll move on. I think in some ways the NHS-mandated one month break may be good for me - it gives my heart some time to mend in-between the cycles..


Patient Subfertility said...

Yea, thanks for the "not pregnant" jerk test. Thanks a lot.

JCH4DCU said...

I'm sorry for the BFN - I understand the disappointment.

The thing about IUI is it's only barely a step up from having sex in terms of success. In a perfect world I'd have enough time to do 12 IUI's before going to IVF because it would eventually work. Some people get lucky the first or second go, just as some luck out and get pregnant the first time they try the "normal" way.

Chances are, nothing went wrong per se, it just didn't happen.

I hope you have better luck with your next cycle. Just hang in there, it will happen. We just don't have the luxury of knowing exactly when.

Anonymous said...

First, I'm sorry that this month isn't your month. No matter how much we "prepare," it still sucks beyond belief.

I'm in the middle of a semi-mandated break, and it has been strangely wonderful. Your mind, body, and heart need a rest sometimes. If you do have to take a break, use your time wisely.

Hope4babyover40 said...

Sorry to read this. Negative tests are the worst, I utterly utterly hate them. Especially the "not pregnant" ones - yeah rub some salt in the wounds, why don't you?
Sometimes it's just unbelievable that it hasn't worked, but it just doesn't, but that doesn't mean it won't. Hugs xx

TwoPlusOne said...

Adding my comment late, but just wanted to say that I am sorry for the BFN this month...this journey is beyond hard. Unfortunately new questions do not quit popping up as you move forward, but I hope you get answers to the important ones that will eventually get you to your dream outcome, and soon too. Be easy on yourself, and look forward. Will keep my fingers crossed.

queenjohnsonclan said...

I've felt exactly like this...like how will it ever work? When everything was perfect it didn't work, Someone pointed out to me recently (another infertile) , that it MOSTLY works when everything isn't perfect. That made me feel the tiniest bit better so I'm passing it on. Prayers for you!

Haisla said...

Thanks for all your lovely and encouraging comments. I have really enjoyed a bit of a break from IF land this month (as in not really blogging much, but still reading and commenting on other blogs). I feel now sufficiently rejuvenated to embark on our next (and final) IUI cycle this coming week. The meds are in the fridge, the needles on the night table, all systems are ready to go.

Thanks for your support, it really, really does help so much in surviving each hurdle and disappointment along the way. Hugs to ya'all.xx

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